Yesterday’s blog was only part of the convo with Oh Wise One that set me straight. I asked her to recap our conversation in her words. She speaks a lot from experience, which breeds wisdom and she is a strong woman of God so I don’t take much that she says lightly. I called her because the past couple of weeks have been rough for me. I have been dealing with emotions that have been next to impossible to put into words. While I stayed in prayer, I thought it might be a good idea to reach out to someone, that could walk me through my thoughts. I stuttered and sputtered for minutes and was sure I sounded crazy! Well she must speak my brand of idiot because from my stammering, she heard my heart and helped me in a lot of ways. I’m struggling because I don’t feel as free as I want to be, I’m still dealing with insecurity, and I don’t feel…joy (if that’s the right word).

 I cannot tell you when your joy will come, because God is doing something in you and He is taking you through a process. You have been hurt and because you have a wound, it will take time to heal. But, what I can tell you from experience is that you have to go through the process for complete healing to take place. It is like surgery, and you have asked God to remove the residue from the damage that has been done. Well, in order for him to do that, He has to go inside of you to remove it—-no, it does not feel good because your wound is open right now. In addition to this, because your wound is open, God will remove any other residue that is there; that you may not have even known was there…again, it is a process. I cannot tell you how many women fail to go through the healing process, because it’s uncomfortable, it hurts, and because they are spinning their wheels because they want to be vindicated—they want their spouse to feel their pain. Women fail to understand that men are not emotional beings and that they hardly ever show their emotions through this process. Therefore, you often hear women say things like “he seems to be fine”, “he doesn’t understand”, “he is going on with his life like nothing happened.” And, many women do not realize that it is not about the man, or for that matter, us (because I have been there too). Ultimately, it is about God and fulfilling purpose in Him, but this does not come without a process. The moment we became Christians, we gave God permission to do as He will in our lives, and this is not easy. I encourage most women to ask themselves in the process, are you willing to go through this process because you want God to change your husband? You may say, well that is part of it—-and it is, but that should not be all of it. You are having surgery, not your husband, and you may not see him change right away, but don’t focus on that, focus of YOU and YOUR HEALING PROCESS, and allow God to be God.

We as women have to learn how to use our authority in Christ and not allow the devil to defeat us. This authority has been given to us through Christ and we have to use it. The enemy is intentional in his attacks on our lives, and if we allow him too, he will wreak havoc in our lives every single day. We cannot be ignorant to the devices of satan, we have to ask God for discernment so that we can see the enemy coming and rebuke him. This is not easy to do all the time, but it comes with exercise. You have to get to a point where you are intentional in your actions and not allow the enemy to defeat you. We live in a world where too many Christians live a defeated life. Each day that the enemy can keep you depressed, oppressed, focused on the wrong things, angry, bitter, insecure, and on and on…is another day that he has taken away your authority in Christ, thus preventing you from focusing on building up God’s Kingdom. The enemy cannot take away what God has put inside of you (the authority), but he can change your reality (what you see), to defeat you. You have to take authority of your reality in the spirit and begin to command what should be.

God is using you to help other women who for so long have been embarrassed to speak about being a victim of adultery. Because you are helping others, the enemy does not like that, and he is intentional in trying to keep you discouraged in the process. After all, who can you help if you are defeated? Because of this, you have to be intentional in exercising your authority in Christ, and going through being uncomfortable, hurt, wounded…going through surgery. So, again, I cannot tell you when your joy will come, but I can encourage you through this process so that you can be where God intended…VICTORIOUS! For now, go through the process and allow God to do what He needs to do in you and through you…

See why I talk to her?! And predictably so, the attacks came soon after that. I know I am on the right track. Her words were the confirmation that I needed to hear! Although it seems to be much easier to throw in the towel and walk away, I know if I stay faithful, I will reap my harvest of awesomeness.

Write ya later! :-)

Matthew 5:43-44 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy’. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” NIV

I told you guys how she-devil keeps showing up at church. This has absolutely boggled my mind. Why? Why is she there? Are “they” back together? Did they just make eye contact? Is she trying to get his attention? Does he feel anything when he sees her? The questions are endless and there are NO answers, let me tell you! I really began to check myself, because I found myself in half praise, half worship, half paying attention. That just wastes my time and disrespects God, neither of which I am interested in doing. God has done way too much for me to give Him half anything, plus we already know how He feels about lukewarm things. When I stand in church, I feel the daggers she stares through the side of my head. Whenever I pass her section, I feel the heat.This has all taught me to fight that much harder to keep my eyes on Him!

I have talked with Oh Wise One and Friend Sarcastic extensively about her being there. I have bound her on earth, (because she is sin personified, right?), I have prayed with sweat and tears and blood, Lord Jesus of Nazareth please keep her away! Some women have the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with a baby from the adulterous relationship. I applaud those women! I know that this could not be my mission. I don’t need reminders. I do my best living in the few seconds that I can forget. So I wouldn’t do well being tied to her in anyway for the next 18+ years. In fact, I counted down the months after I found out about their ‘relationship’, making sure she didn’t show up with baby news. When month 4 came and went I exhaled slightly. The point is, I don’t need to see her. She and I have talked extensively (another blog for another time) and there is nothing left to say.

Friend Sarcastic has offered that maybe I’m missing something. I still have a lesson to be learned. I told her to shut up. How many lessons should I have out of this one horrific (almost) year?! How many times should I smile and laugh and act all casual when really I wan to combust when she is around? Lord I have done everything I hear you saying to do, yet I still gotta look at her?! Lord she is my enemy, you said you would deliver me from my enemies, put this enemy behind me! Then here comes Oh Wise One. I felt led to talk to her because she has been in my shoes. Her boyfriend, who is now her husband, cheated while they were dating. She was so healed from this that they got married and have a family. Talk about hope! So I figured she would know where I was coming from. And she did! I grunted through my feelings with incomplete sentences and tears and silence and she got it all! A friend of mine recently preached and he said there is nothing like talking to someone who has been where you are and who is now where you are trying to go! SO TRUE!

When I got done with my story she was sympathetic, empathetic, she felt me! She got me! She even agreed the likelihood that God wants me to stay in that worship setting with her is very slim! I know God doesn’t want me there! I told her that I was praying to be removed from that church. For one, too many people know and those same people approved of their ‘relationship’. I view them as enemies to my marriage. (SN: it amazes me how dumb church folks can be. There is a very REAL danger in going against God. “…therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate” Matthew 19:6. Their punishment for this will be real. Yet these same folks treat me like I tried to steal her husband, not speaking, keeping up mess. Yeah, ok….).  She said she would be praying with me. I felt a little relieved. I had some help praying in this area, I had someone who understood me. I figured we would end the convo in prayer and then I would go snack, enjoy some cool, refreshing lemonade and enjoy the warm weather! Then she hit me with a “Let me ask you…”. I said to myself “girl run! Lest ye be entangled in a convo you really want no part of!”. I almost made up an excuse to get off the phone. I probably would have but she didn’t pause to give me the chance. She continued with a “Have you prayed for her soul?” *insert that screeching car noise you hear on television when someone says or does something so desperately wrong! PRAY FOR WHOSE WHAT NOW?!

Now let me backtrack. I told you how months earlier, Jesus kindly whispered into my battered soul that I need to forgive her. Ok. I did that. Fast forward a couple of months and she had the nerve to ask my forgiveness. Ok. I told her I forgave her (again another blog for another time). Now I have to pray for her? Didn’t I just tell ya’ll I did that when I bound her on earth?! Oh Wise One laughed, called me crazy, then led me right back to where God wanted me. And I was mad! She went on to explain that we have to love everybody (she can talk a little country sometimes so it came out evrahbohday) with the love of Jesus. Well slap me indignant! No I will not be praying for her soul. Because once again I am being asked to go over and beyond while she sits in the back of the church looking like satan’s spawn, acting like I have wronged her! You want me to cook her meals and clean her bathrooms too?! Needless to say we stayed on the phone for an hour longer. She had many encouraging things to say to me, many helpful things, and I knew God was using her to talk to me. If I wanted complete healing from this, which is the ultimate goal, then I had to be obedient to God. And what does God say? Well, read my opening verse!! I guess Friend Sarcastic was right, I did have another lesson to learn. And Oh Wise One showed me which one.

After our conversation I had some confessing to do. I was angry, I was hurt, things were not going swell at home and to top things off, this! I was tired! But I prayed one simple line for her (ewww!), and then went on about my day. Do ya’ll know she showed up that next Sunday! God you are FUNNY! Same routine, same daggers, even made some bold moves to be close to him. First I was thinking, Dear Lord, did I not pray her away?! Then I thought, Oh yeah! Pray FOR her. Ok! Dear Lord I pray for her ratchet, wretched, ugly, evil, demonic soul. Pretty sure He didn’t hear that one but eventually I did get it right. I didn’t spend hours in prayer, and I wont unless that is what He instructs. If I could be more spiritual and less physical for a moment, there is something wrong with her that only God can fix, and it’s called crazy. I don’t want one less jewel in my crown because I was disobedient in praying for her. I don’t want to come up short in any way because of her. And I definitely want 100% healing from all of this. So I will keep praying for her, which is helping me. Hopefully it will get easier because right now it’s every bit of ugh and heck no! If He ever decides to bind her on earth, I won’t be mad!

Write ya later! :-)

I have a blog that I’ve been working on, but I can’t share it yet. I am waiting on Oh Wise One to help me out. So in the meantime I thought I’d say hi! And catch you up!

So my family finally found a church that we ALL like! I personally would say I love it! I am excited when we go. I expect to hear from God when we are there. I learn EVERYTIME we are there. Usually in church, I just use the Bible app on my phone. It’s convenient. And increases my laziness. But lately, since going to this new church, I realized I have to get a Bible. Now I have Bibles at home, but this church makes me want to get a study Bible. I gotta highlight stuff and mark up the pages! I need to be able to flip back and forth when the Pastor send us to another passage. Whereas before, I looked up the first verse that was given and that was it! The kicker was getting involved. I have had no desire to get involved in church in years. I have been so disconnected and disheartened by church, I was totally content sitting down. I have encountered more stumbling blocks in the past couple of years, my goodness! But this church makes me want to get involved! I want to do more, I want to grow more, I want to learn more. This is what church should feel like! Can you tell I’m excited? My prayer, if it be God’s will, is that we are able to permanently make this church our home church and be removed from where we are now (hey, she showed up again on Sunday, but that’s a different blog). Right now we can only attend their Saturday service. I’m not complaining though, I’ll take what I can get!

There is a reason why the Bible instructs to put on the whole armor of God. It’s more than just a cute saying. It’s real life. Of course the minute I signed those papers to get involved, my life went under (even more) attack. I have begun to understand peace in the storm. It doesn’t mean that the storm doesn’t phase me. Maybe for other people, but I’m not that advanced yet. Standing in the middle of a storm, you get rained on, heavy winds may try to push you, lightening strikes, ect. What I have learned is that when God gives me peace, the storm doesn’t change my views, it doesn’t move me to react negatively, and it doesn’t make me panic. I may feel hurt, may even feel discomfort. Discomfort is good because that means growth! But I have peace. God is in control. I know I have been faithful and I can ask Him the desires of my heart. He will protect me in the storm, He will provide for me, and He will bless me beyond what I can comprehend.

And just to further my point on attacks, yesterday was not a good day and the argument he and I had ranks pretty doggone low. Out of nowhere, Minister text me last night: “The Word says Don’t be weary in well doing. For you shall reap if you faint now. Remember never let the devil take you where he can’t bring you back from!”. I looked at that text and fell out laughing. What, does she have a camera in my house?! (I am still trying to wiggle the pick 4 out of her!). And every morning I try to listen to a sermon for encouragement and this is what popped up!  http://faithfamilywebsites.com/myfaithfamily.com/webcast/?p=2103#.T7zprLxTHOk.tumblr

In other news, so many people have taken to my blog and have encouraged me to turn it into a book. So, I guess there is no time like the present to take a stab at it! Pray for me, as I have NOT a clue what I’m doing here. Hopefully the process will be more pleasurable then painful! There is so much that I don’t know, and I am no expert. But there are things that I have learned and want to share. I totally believe in sharing with each other learned life lessons. To show others what to avoid and to also build a camaraderie of “you don’t have to suffer alone!”. We shall see how this goes.

Hopefully I’ll have my real blog up soon! Have a great day!

Write ya later!!

spirituallysingle:

Remember the sleepless nights, the blinding tears, the pain your heart endured through the darkest moments of your life, the effort you put forth just to make it through one more day, the times you fell on your knees in prayer but only managed to utter, “Jesus”? Your struggle, your trial, your…

Good stuff!!

Such an interesting holiday, right? For some, it’s sad, as their mom’s have passed on, for others it’s celebratory, and still for some, it’s just another day of over worked and underpaid.

We, as mothers, (good mother’s) do a lot. Too much. This is not a cushy job, but some of us do make it appear so (TALENT). Some of us have got it down to a science, daily routines, dinner schedules, feedings, diaper changes, school programs, etc. Others of us may feel like we are living in chaos and are still finding our way to routine. We have all started this journey at different times in our lives. I am reminded of one of my closest friends to my heart, who is in her 30’s and mere days away from celebrating the birth of her first child with her husband. And then there is my darling cousin, who is barely legal, and dealing with morning sickness. There is friend best who only has one child, and struggles with whether or not to have another, then their is my sis (who often keeps me from my Angela moments and is never short on sarcasm) who has firmly announced that she is content with her step-daughter and will not be pushing out anything baby. I think about Minister, who had her daughter at an older age, and truly treasures mother-hood as a gift. I think of my grandmother, who had 9 (2 were stillborn), 1 was killed in a car crash and the other murdered. Mother’s Day brings about different emotions because we are all at different stages. We all have different lives and we all took very different paths to get here, but all mommy’s end up in the hardest hood: motherhood.

It’s not easy what we do. And there isn’t enough time to discuss all of the sacrifices we will have to make (I won’t tell you about my stretch marks, or my muffin top! And I can’t tell you about the woes of mommy brain because I can’t remember too. I wrote it on a sticky note but I can’t find it!). It can really be a thankless job! I spent the first 3 or 4 years of mommy hood in sweat pants and old t-shirts because all my kids did was projectile vomit. You can’t wait for them to talk, then you wish they would shut up. You can’t wait for them to be mobile, then you wish they would sit still. You can’t wait for them to start school, then when they do, teachers are calling about their behavior or learning problems or class clown tendencies (we have heard from both teachers ALL YEAR LONG that our kids need to be on a stage. Read: they spend all of their learning time entertaining their class mates). Mother’s with grown children have always told me not to rush them growing up. Enjoy each stage. Because the bigger they get, the bigger the problems. We are not at the stage of boyfriends and girlfriends and drinking and smoking….AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

We often times are the cabbies, play date organizers, wound soothers, (and if we are lucky) confidant. We dry up tears and do what we can to make them smile. We volunteer at schools, even though we don’t have the time, and we have mastered the art of buying the brownies and passing them off as home baked (at least we think we have). We have smiled graciously when we wanted to crawl under the table at the embarrassing stories they have told in public (like when my oldest was in kindergarten and told another mom I was wearing a wig). We make halloween costumes and search high and low for the coveted Christmas present that will make this Christmas THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! And none of this even scratches the surface. We know we will soon be traded in for best friends and ball games and (in)significant others and school dances. I will forever keep my eyes from glazing over as they tell me about trucks and wrestling and The Avengers, or whatever the newest craze is. Yet even with all of that, we don’t miss a prayer for them, over them, with them. I often times go in my children’s room long after the whispering and laughter has been replaced with snoring and loose gas, and I thank God (that they are finally sleep) for them. I lay my hands on them, and I talk to God about them, about their present, about their future. I even pray over their mates, that God is preparing them even now. I smell their necks and kiss them.

I am a girly girl. I like cute things. But there hasn’t been a bit of slob, boo boo accident, throw up or burp that has made me love them any less (if they are still doing that at 16 we might have a problem). I clean them with love, I feed them with love, I live with them with love, I love them with love. They will forever be my babies (but please don’t tell my husband, he might give me the “You can’t keep baby-ing them! speech). When I found out I was pregnant, I figured life would change. When I felt the first flutters and kicks, I figured this is pretty real. When I felt those contractions, I cursed! And when they laid my children in my arms for the first time, I realized I had never knew such a love. It’s inexplicable really. I am reminded of a Friends episode, when Monica’s son was born she exclaimed, “No woman will ever be good enough for you!”.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” - Proverbs 22:6 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” -Proverbs 13:24 These two verses keep me from being completely their suckers. I love them enough to teach them the ways of Christ. My children know God is real and they believe in Jesus. They know how to pray and they know mommy don’t play. I will not hesitate to admonish in love. And yes I have had to spank them (like the time they were supposed to be taking a nap but they instead went down the street (clearly without permission) to play in a sprinkler… with no clothes on…). I want my children to have an awesome childhood, full of great memories, but I also want them to grow into mature, responsible men who love the Lord and chase after His heart. And I ask for grace and strength and provision every day to make that happen. I know I am a great mom! If you are doing the best you can, and raising them in knowledge of Jesus Christ, if you are keeping them before Christ in prayer, then you are a pretty awesome mom as well!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Write ya later! ;-)

I saw this quote the other day: “If you want to change tomorrow, sow differently today”. I can’t remember where I saw it or who the author was but I thought wow that is so simple and so deep! Then today, Victoria Olsteen posted on her social network page “Remember that everything in your life today is a direct result of the seed you’ve sown in the past and every seed you are sowing today will produce a harvest in your future.” Sounds like confirmation to me. She quotes Galatians 6:7-8  which says “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

When I think back over my life with husband, this verse proves itself. When we were dating, we were a mess. We were some fornicating fools, drinking, smoking, cursing (keep in mind we were church kids). So consequently the beginning of our marriage was horrid. We had a baby (you do the math), we were young, inexperienced, and we had not gotten the oneness ideology down. Therefore we were not one. We were two, butting heads at every chance. That part of the marriage, we sowed more mess. One baby turned into two (they are our blessings, NOT our mess, just to clarify), but babies add stress. We hadn’t really gained any marital skills, unless you call slamming doors and storming out a skill. We also had the talent of dodging each other, rolling our eyes, and going out of our way to be mean to each other. We were not good willed people towards each other, to use one of his favorite phrases. All of that led us to the ultimate breakdown in our marriage. We didn’t sow anything good, prosperous or Christ-like into our marriage. And we reaped destruction.

Our rebuilding phase is different. We are rebuilding the walls around our marriage. And we are careful to sow in the spirit the things God would have us to. We are building our ‘new’ marriage using God’s blueprint. And when I tell you the enemy is mad, that is a sever understatement. The enemy has tried any and everything and most bodies to push us away from our Christ-like goals, and away from each other. The enemy knows what we stands to reap. And sometimes we have fallen. Even now we are in the midst of uncomfortable waters, which has been the pattern the past couple of weeks. Sometimes it feels like we have more things to make up for than we have time to do it in. And one or both walk away feeling mad, not talking to each other, worried about the future. It’s not a good feeling. But God always supplies. I heard a sermon about seeking God’s face today by TD Jakes. He said if we diligently seek God’s face He will give us what’s in His hand. That got me out of my sorrow. I want the blessings He has for me in His hand. I want His grace, His anointing, His everything good and great and blessed that he has for me and my marriage. “For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.” Psalms 84:11 Why do we constantly take our eyes off Christ I will never know. You’d think we would have learned by now. But I thank God for the gentle reminders He gives of “Hey…look up here…I’m right here. Stop looking at the problem and look at me. My face.” It kind of feels like being coaxed off the edge of the cliff. He is gentle but firm. He is my savior.

So I will seek Him, and I trust that even in anger, the husband will seek Him as well. And we will go back to sowing things that will please Christ. So that in our next phase, we will reap bountifully! That’s exciting. Hey, we’ve never reaped like that so I’m looking forward to it. We will reap a harvest of blessings. Keep your eyes on Christ. The payoff is worth it.

Write ya later! :-)

Yesterday my blog kind of got slammed. I was accused of not blogging the things I had done to bring my marriage to the point of adultery. So I would like to address that.

Firstly, I did nothing to deserve getting cheated on. I had not cheated on him prior, nor have I ever had any encounter with a married man. I have talked about our marriage, how awful it was, and some of the pitfalls, breakdown in communication, wearing the spanx, ect. So I have tried to represent both sides. But this blog is for spouses like myself. Spouses who have been cheated on. As I have stated in previous blogs, when I went into recovery mode there was no blog that I could readily identify with, and no blog that spoke frankly about the hurt this particular betrayal causes, so I decided to write one. I had no idea that others would read it, follow it, relate to it and pass it along. When that began to happen I began to see God’s purpose for me during this time. I don’t write from the adulterer’s standpoint. I can’t. I didn’t commit adultery so I don’t know the in’s and out’s of that view point. I can only write from my own.

I have been honest in my previous posts about things that I believe set us up for him falling to temptation. I have talked about how sorry of a marriage it was, but I have tried to focus on the rebuilding,  and how for us it has been basically from scratch. That is another purpose of the blog, to share the progress, the setbacks, the pit falls. I don’t write to bash the husband. I write honestly. And when he has stepped up to the plate God has set before him I tell you guys, in hope that you will see…well, hope! I am proud of the man that he is becoming.

I don’t write my blogs as open letters to the husband, or encourage others to leave their situations or spouse’s, or to throw a pity party. I write what’s on my heart at the moment, and I am in prayer over what I write. I want God to get all the glory from this blog, I want Him to be pleased. As I say all the time, I want to be in His will. If anyone is offended by my blog, I do sincerely apologize. I don’t want to offend anyone. But I write what God okay’s. And the closer I draw to Him, shows in my more recent posts (at least I hope). So with that being said, I have to go work on my next post…

Write ya later! :-)

I heard this sermon today! It was such a confirmation for my blog yesterday! Please listen to it the whole way through, but in case you can’t, let me summarize (a part of it).

Faith Family Church Webcast Player - Watch Pastor Mike online!

http://faithfamilywebsites.com/myfaithfamily.com/webcast/?p=2097#.T5mohngENB0.tumblr

The analogy that was given was that, let’s say you and your spouse are playing around and your arm accidentally get’s broken.  Your spouse can sincerely apologize, feel awful, yada yada yada, but you have to go to a physician to get it fixed. (Unfortunately) what the spouse broke, he/she can’t fix. The physician has to set the bones straight! My husband, God bless him, can not fix what he has broken. Only God can! (This point, I’m not going to lie, angers me a little.) Which is what I said yesterday! I still hafta seek God! The pastors took the example a step further, and gave a real life scenario of how the wife broke her wrist and arm. She went through six weeks of medical stuff and at the end, the doctor pronounced her healed. BUT she still felt pain! She said for up to a year after, she still felt pain. Healing takes time!!

All of this translates into my current situation. The pastors both referred to a wounded heart. It takes time to heal and only God can heal it. And just because I still feel the pains does not mean I have not forgiven. It’s two totally different things. I was so thankful for this sermon for more reasons than I can express! Like I said in yesterday’s blog, my tears have made me feel guilty. My friends have not understood me. And I have felt rushed by him. I know in my heart that I have forgiven him, I know I have. There could not have been any kind of reconciliation had there not been forgiveness! It does not mean I am a bad person. It is not a sin to feel pain. At this point, his affair has more miles on it than our recovery period!

I will wait patiently while God heals me. After all that’s part of His job. Luke 4:18 says “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He hath anointed Me to preach the Gospel to the poor. He hath sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,”. None of this means that the husband doesn’t have to play his part, because he does have a laundry list of things to do! But my healing will come from God! And I will wait patiently while He does His thing. The pain I still feel, my wounded heart, must have a purpose. There is something greater in store for my myself and my marriage.

Listen to this sermon, whether you are the injured spouse or the one that injured your spouse. It will bless you and your marriage. Even in all this I feel compelled to remind you, God is able!!

Write ya later! :-)

I was listening to a sermon today about marriage. It had a lot of good points, and confirmed a lot of things for me. The one thing that stuck out was; “If you trust God during your darkest moment, He will lead you to greener pastures. If you trust Him in the desert, there is an oasis right ahead of you! Don’t quit!”.

Oasis- a pleasant or peaceful area or period in the midst of a difficult, troubled, or hectic place or situation.

My marriage has improved by leaps and bounds in a short period of time. (Minister did say a quick work!). I honestly don’t think either of us had imagined that we would be here, but I guess that is what we get for trusting God and not each other. :-) We pray together, we are both in our word, we want to spend time together, we share belly laughs. Our marriage muscles are getting worked out! No more spanx. No more stuffing the undies! We are off life support! And we rarely argue (coming from a couple who argued so much we generally provided entertainment for our dinner mates, this is big news! For a couple who could go weeks without uttering a word, this is magnormous!!)! I am not trying to paint the picture perfect marriage. We are far from that! But we have allowed Christ to reconstruct us, so much so, that we hardly recognize us. We can see the green pastures! We can see the water!

But there is still brokenness in me. It breaks my heart to say that, but it’s the truth. There are still things in me that I have tried to express, yet all I feel is that huge cry in my throat that strangles me. I can’t tell him, I can’t tell my friends. I feel the healing. I feel the progress. Like I said, our marriage is better, our children notice, our friends notice. But I still feel some pain. There is something in me, that has not been healed. Do you know how frustrating, how infuriating that can be?! To have come so far, yet have things still pulling me back? It doesn’t make me want to quit. But it makes me want to put all my guards back up. It makes me want to retreat. But if I did that, I’d miss my oasis! Taking my eyes off Christ will cost me my peace, while I am waiting on my total healing.

My God is a God of complete restoration. Not partial healing. He wants me whole, as a wife, a mother, His child and His worker. I know that I have done the things I have heard Him tell me to do. I know I have taken my all and given it to Him, in my effort to plead with Him to fix it. I have taken every broken piece of my heart and offered it to Him, like a little child begging her parent to fix her toy. James 5:13 says “Is there any among you suffering? Let him pray.”. So that is what I will continue to do, without ceasing. There is a great work for my marriage that needs to be done. We won’t be fully effective for God’s kingdom if I am not whole. And I realize that the enemy is going to stay on us, continuously trying to break us, push us backwards, destroy us…whatever he can do to stop that work. But greater is He that is in my marriage, than any tactic the enemy has planned!

Because I want so badly to be whole, to be done with this, my tears make me feel guilty. But they shouldn’t. My tears are not from defeat. I haven’t given up. God is in control of all of this now. And He has already proven what He can do. “For with God, nothing will be impossible” Luke 1:37. My tears are evident of the pain I have endured, which is allowed. I was made with tears ducts that work so it’s ok to use them! I don’t use them as a tool to stir up his guilt. In fact, now I hate for him to see me cry. But even in that, my tears are different. My hate is gone. HALLELUJAH!! Minister once compared this process to recouping after surgery. It is not anything you want to rush, because you might re-injure yourself. And sometimes re-injury is worse than the first injury! I have to remind myself that I am on God’s timetable. He knows what He is doing, and I am so sure He is preparing me for something so great. He can take the most broken of things and turn it into a masterpiece, a beautiful testimony for Him. It may not be good while it’s working, but it’s working for my good! And in the meantime I can be thankful that my sadness is not as often and it doesn’t take over, in the ways that it used to. It doesn’t consume me. I can praise God for the awesome man He is forming my husband into. And he is rather awesome! And I can praise Him for the day this saga is a memory, and the lump in my throat is gone. Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Write ya later! :-)

I was talking to a very good friend recently, and I shocked myself when I said “We are beginning to feel stable”, referring to my husband and I. My very next thought was “Thank you God”. Not because that is what I’m supposed to say, but because that is how I actually feel. It is only by the grace of God!.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

For longest time we were operating in the “on my own” mentality. Even though we were married, we did not stand in solidarity. He had his own friends, made his own decisions, did his thing. I was in my own world doing the exact same thing. We did not stand as 2 people together as one. So whatever attacks came against our union were able to overpower us. We had no game plan, no fighting stance, no armor, no nothing. How awful we must have made Christ feel. For two people to profess Christ, yet live so contrary to His will, to have our lifestyles turn people off of Christianity instead of leading them to salvation. Our individual lives were not pleasing and then our marriage became an even bigger insult. Ephesians 4:29-32 says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” There was nothing in our marriage that would build others up. We were both full of the negative things the passage lists. We were not kind and I have share with you my lack of forgiveness (Husband suffers from this as well, just not as intensely). We truly grieved the Holy Spirit. When I realized this I literally held my head in shame. I’ve spoken in the past about how Christian marriages need to be a testimony or an example of Christ relationship of the church, so that the world may see God’s love and Christ sacrifice. And I’ve admitted that my marriage failed miserably. But Ephesians 4:29-32 takes on a whole new meaning.

Thank God for His redemption power. Now, my husband does not hesitate to pray. With me, for me…about me, lol. Let me tell you, prayer makes a difference! Prayer changes things! There is an obvious strength in his relationship with Him. And my obvious strength in Christ is evident to him as well. Because how we handle things is totally different. We show our love for each other and not our disdain. That is not to say we get this marriage thing 100% correct every time. In fact just recently we had a messy week. You know the week, where one argument turns into something else and you never really get to what’s bothering you in the first place. By day three, you’re looking back at day one thinking “If only YOU had done xyz then we wouldn’t be having this issue! Why can’t you read my mind?! Do you not love me?!” Everything we had learned in our marriage class was battling with every way that we used to argue. But each day (except one), we still started our day off in prayer! For us that is major progress. The initial argument let me know that there was a problem. The length of the argument let me know we had more work to do. But the prayer each morning let me know the third chord, God, is going to get the glory!

One thing that the husband prayed during that week was that our love for God has to be greater than our love for each other. That’s because our love for God is going to keep us when we want to stray, sin, destroy our marriage, etc. The only way to feel that kind of love, security, the only way to increase your dedication to ‘for better or worse’ is to invite God to be that third chord. He’s such a gentleman, He won’t bully and bogaurd his way into your marriage. He loves us enough to allow things to happen in our marriage so that we are reminded that we need Him. And He is such a savior that He will mend the broken pieces in just a way that restoration is not only possible, but necessary and attainable through Him. Your latter marriage will be better than your former, like a complete transformation. He is so faithful, that your faith increases and you have to tell somebody, so you create a blog to tell everybody, so that your testimony will encourage someone else. :-)

It’s funny how this blog came together because as usual I was all set to write about something else. After I was finished this one I was leery of posting it. Because by now I know the drill. The enemy is just as aware of this blog as Heaven is, and I (and/or my marriage) always seem to get attacked right after giving God the praise and glory that I owe Him. But Duh! I can always look at and rely on the third chord, because with Him, my marriage is not easily broken. By now the enemy should know the drill as well. We will be tested but we won’t be broken. Romans 8:28-31 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us”. Amen!

Write ya later! :-)