All my life, I’ve been reared to understand the reason for the season of Easter. I was raised to call this most sacred of weekends for the Christian Community Resurrection Sunday, not Easter. Since entering parenthood I sit down with my children and discuss these things with them so that hopefully on their level, they understand the real meaning and not the fluffy bunnies and candy, much like at Christmas, it’s not about Santa but about the birth of Jesus Christ. But this year especially hit home for me as I thought about Christ and all that He has done in my life, most recently this past year. I thought about how pleading the blood of Jesus over my marriage has caused the resurrection of my marriage! I remember this time last year, thinking where would I be in a year. Things had deteriorated so, and I didn’t know any specifics yet. But I was aware of the possibility that a year from then, we wouldn’t be together. How awesome to see first hand that His blood still has miraculous power!! It’s not just a quote, or a christian fad, but something real and powerful. I know it to be true and the enemy does too!
Because, guess who reared her ugly head on Sunday? Well, if you guess the other half of his adultery, you guessed correct. I’ve shared how I have had to deal with this before, and the trials and angst that come with it. But recently something dawned on me. We spent the weekend at a marriage workshop a while ago and the therapist there said that I need to figure out what I can handle and what I can’t. This is something that I have been dealing with since the revelation of the adultery. (I’ll deal in a later post more in depth about my list of things). I’m only sharing in this post to note that at the top of my list is her. She (her children, her job, her pet rats, her nothing) needs to infiltrate any point of my life. Yes I realize that the indecent act of betrayal occurred. Yes I know (or at least was told) how it started, who started it, how long it lasted, how he told me it ended, how she told me it ended (because you know their stories don’t add up). Yes, there is a mental tape of the two of them together that randomly plays things for me that I never actually saw with my naked eye. There are snapshots from memory that I did see with my own two eyes. I have my own daily demons to slay. I don’t need to see her.
Unfortunately for me, seeing her is an option. Restaurants, movies, grocery stores…will always be a gamble, simply because. Church should not be. And guess where is the only place she keeps popping up? Church is what I need. I should not have to worry about stumbling blocks or hindrances. I can call her a hindrance because her presence is exactly that! All she does is tell everyone how much she hates the church. Yet she still shows up. Your antenna going up, yet? She’s mad at the leaders so she is not coming back. Yet she still shows up. She joined another church, yet she still comes back. I’ve never tried to understand crazy. The old saying goes, trying to understand crazy will make you go crazy. But it boggles my mind that someone who was ‘dumped’ would still show up at a place that she knows she will see the ‘dumper’…and his wife…and their kids. But wait! That’s what she was doing when they were ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’…..you hear those sirens? I get treated wrongly by her ‘friends’. But not in front of him, they are too smart for that. When he turns his back, however, the horns come out. Sunday, it all became too much.
I refuse to allow anyone tell me this is something I have to deal with. Simply because I have tried! I have prayed, I have cried, I have done everything I feel God has put before me. But when I leave church with a broken heart, that’s a problem. I don’t know what my plan b is. Jesus and I are currently in communication about it. But I do know deciding to go to church should not be like playing Russian roulette. It shouldn’t be a compromise. I realize that His blood has miraculous power, not magic power so I’m asking Him what do you want me to do?! I don’t feel like I can smile through her cameo’s anymore. I can’t act like her being there doesn’t phase me because, between me and you, sitting in a room with a woman who knows all about my husband AFTER our ‘I Do’ does phase me. It’s not smart. Think about that for a moment: they have kissed each other, each other’s bodies, seen each other naked, had sex with each other, done things that God only intended for him to do with me. In his uglier moments he has slapped me with a “She knows stuff about me that you still don’t!”. And now I have to sit in church with her, and smile all day so the haters won’t have dinner gossip. I have to laugh when I want to cry. I have to endure listening to my children reference her children when they recount their playtime. All this is like reliving it all over again!
My feelings are WAY hurt right now, and I know better than to make decisions when I’m feeling like this. So I just keep saying miraculous power, not magic power, God what are we gonna do? I have to plead the blood of Jesus over this whole situation. I know I’m going to have to be quiet so I can hear Him talk. And I know that what her mere presence is trying to kill, God will block, so that my marriage can truly be resurrected from the ashes. And I won’t be crushed by the weight of it all! I am not treating God like a genie. I am not asking for 3 wishes. I have been obedient. I have done the man-part, now I need Him to do his part and rescue me.
God is so funny! I walked away from this post to check twitter and guess what I saw? Psalm 37:5 “Commit thy way unto the Lord: trust also in Him, and He shall make it come to pass”. HA!! Ok God, I’m still trusting….hurt feelings and all. You ready to make it come to pass, yet?
Write ya later! :-)