7 Thoughts that Will Change Your Marriage
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up…
7 Thoughts that Will Change Your Marriage
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up…
Ok how’s this for a little transparency:
We were kidless on a weeknight. Anyone who has kids knows, when the kids are away, the parents do play. Grandma to the rescue! She took them for the weekend, and we had the house to ourselves. So we hung out, talked, laughed, held hands, all the things that lovers do. However, when it came time to the actual lovin, I panicked. You see, I am back in spanx.
Not my marriage (happy face), but me (sad face). Let me explain. I am working crazy hours, going to school, plus church…I have a lot on plate! Which has made me put a lot on my dinner plate! I’m snacking on whatever I can get my hands on because 9 times out of 10, I wont have time to sit down to a real meal. And working out is a sacrifice I haven’t quite mastered. (Sometimes I feel like if I get up any earlier, I may as well not even go to sleep!) So, yes spanx. I felt so self-conscious. I’m no six pack kind of girl theses days. And while my marriage has come a long way (leaps and bounds) I still hear some of the negative things he once said to me while in my big girl phase (we shall refer to those as the crazy years).
SO…..I went to bed in my spanx tank. And he thought we had entered “the crazy years, part deux”. He couldn’t understand why I still had it on. And I couldn’t find the words to explain. He is no dummy, so he knew I was feeling self conscious. In a world full of 36, 24, 36’s I just felt like my numbers didn’t add up. And he wanted to TALK about it! Imagine me, face down in the pillow, spanx tank firmly in place, in tears. Big shout out to the husband. It’s gotta be hard to watch your woman cry and not know how to comfort her. To feel like the tears came out of nowhere, and know he was not responsible for them. My actions did nothing to counteract the whole “they are an emotionally irrational being” school of thought. He said all the right things. He encouraged me as a husband should. High five to him!
It was this Ephesians 2:10 NLVverse that resonated in my heart the next day, when I searched myself as to why I reacted that way. The fat didn’t come overnight. It didn’t magically appear. It’s just that I, like most woman, have body image problems. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”.
All knowing, perfect, wise, loving God saw fit to create me. And call me His Masterpiece. That is a heavy word. Think about it for a second. Masterpiece. Famous paintings, sculptures, rare cars, rare jewelry, that are considered masterpeices are priceless, valuable. The dictionary describes masterpeice as: A work of outstanding artistry, skill, or workmanship. An artist’s or craftsman’s best piece of work.
Remember God is the potter and we are the clay? (Isaiah 64:8). The perfect artist made me, and I am a work of art. I realized that I need to hold my head high! Why? Because I am God’s masterpiece (does this masterpiece need to put down the masterpiece chicken and do a crunch or two? YES! Because I have to keep this masterpeice up!)
I do realize there is a much deeper meaning for this verse. I know that God has equipped us for a purpose. I am still dealing with that meaning of the verse, as I realize more and more my purpose. But I wanted to show you all this view of the verse. There are so many of us whose extra poundage makes us hang our head in shame. If it’s not weight, it’s something. This is too small, this is too big, acne, too short, too tall, knock knees, freckles, near sighted, far sighted…the list is endless. Don’t allow those physical things to hold you back from seeing your beauty in Christ! If you can work on it, then work on it. If you are stuck with it for life, then realize that YOU make that thang cute! Everytime you pass a mirror, you say to yourself “Hey fly girl! You are God’s masterpiece!” You put a little sashay in those hips and have a great day in Jesus! And by all means, DO NOT let it ruin a kid free night with your husband! DUH!!
Let’s talk tomorrow! :)
So picture it: It’s the weekend after my tasteless Thanksgiving. Hubby, kids and I are all bundled up. The plan was to catch the train downtown, as the city was preparing to light the BIG Christmas tree. All week the temps stayed in the 60’s. But leave it to the bi-polar weather to take a nose dive the day I am scheduled to stand outside. It was a gazillion below zero! The kids were excited to go so, me and my cold and my handicapped taste buds went along with the program. The things we do for our kids, right?
On the train the four of us laughed and talked and sang! It was so much fun. Of course, we were the loudest on the train but it felt like we were the only ones on the train. When we got off, two women approached us and laughingly exclaimed that we were the happiest family that they had ever seen. I can not tell you how that made me feel. That was probably the first time that we were complimented that way and it was actually true. We were happy. All four of us! At the same time! No on was faking or putting on for the sake of the kids. It was authentic!! We weren’t faking it till we made it. If I were not a germaphobe I would have hugged both of these women!That was such an encouragement.
We get downtown and all we did was laugh and clown around some more. We danced (much to my kids chagrin) we sang loudly, we drank bad coffee (they had cocoa), we shivered, we “familied”. At one point, the husband grabbed me to slow dance as Nat King Cole crooned a Christmas carol. He whispered into my ear the exact thing I had been thinking.This time last yearI had told him it was over. We were getting ready to go see the Christmas light display (it’s a tradition), and I felt like he was still cheating( he wasn’t). I told him I could not take it anymore and that it was over. One of our kids had a birthday coming up, and then there was Christmas, neither of which I wanted to taint with divorce. So I told him January 1, 2012, be prepared for a call from my lawyer. I was never more serious about anything in my life. Just as sure as I am beautiful, I had a lawyer on speed dial and I was ready to use it! Done! Finito! So serious! And a year later we were slow dancing in the middle of the square. That’s God. And that’s beautiful. He makes all things new, in His time. I stayed in that moment, thankful (and sick). Through all the pain, the heartache, through the death of my marriage came the birth of a blessed marriage.
AND DON’T YOU KNOW 30 SECONDS LATER, THE ENEMY TRIED IT?!?! I heard someone say awww, and I look up ready to smile demurly for the audience and who do I see? The whore (May God bless her ratchet soul). Ok well, it wasn’t her. But she could have easily been her twin. I did a quadruple take, while simultaneously covering many bases in my head: he would see her, what would that spark in him? Will my kids see her kids and immediately start to play? How will I break that up? How will I crack her face with all these witnesses? How would I explain to my kids the words that I would call her? SO much to consider. In what seemed like an eternity, but was really only mere seconds, I realized that she was a total stranger, and I began to breathe.
I’m gonna SIDENOTE you for a second here, because I have to say, I wish there was a way for him to truly understand how situations like that make me feel, without actually wishing that kind of panic on him. I don’t want him to hurt. At lease now I don’t. There was a time when I was strategically planning his hurt….but I digress. I just want to feel like he truly gets it. I’m probably not explaining this properly. I want her to feel all of it (May God bless her ratchet soul). Every last bit of it. But again, I digress.
Anyway, once I was able to breathe, I instantly understood why she was there. She was the innocent one who was being used to throw me off focus, thereby throwing us off track. Had I allowed her presence to ruffle my feathers the way the enemy wanted, we just might be sitting on opposite ends of the court right now. Yes, it is still that serious! But I prayed, and kept my cool. There were thoughts of, what if he finds this girl attractive? Will they exchange numbers when I’m not looking? Is he aroused by her? Questions like that lead to self doubt! While I wish that I didn’t have those thoughts at all, I no longer punish myself for having them. I am human, I have been hurt, and I am allowed on edge moments. It’s what I do with those moments that count most. I am proud to say for the last month or so, and especially downtown that day, I have been able to send those thoughts right back to hell. Instead I force myself to think on good things. And the good thing is the God that I serve looks out for me. I trust Him to protect my heart. I love my husband. I trust him enough to show him my weaknesses. That girl at the Christmas lighting is a weakness, not because of who she is (we don’t know her) but what she represents. I just can’t look at that face. And I won’t apologize for it. He didn’t abuse that weakness. He covered it with his actions, letting me know he was there with me. She was a non factor, not an issue.
It’s so easy to get in your feelings and run with it. At least for me. I’ve always been a bit of a spitfire. Once it’s in my head that I should be hurt, offended, whatever, I go with it. I try my best to hurt back, then take names. If you got caught in the cross hairs, it’s kind of an “oh well” for me. God has calmed all that down. While I was so busy yelling and screaming that God needed to change him, I got a few tweaks done as well. I’m thankful for all the changes that have taken place in both of us. I’m thankful that I spent this year’s tradition in his arms, instead of at his throat. I’m thankful that I waited on God. The enemy tried it, but God blocked it!
Write ya later! :-)
Isn’t it funny how you can look back at a situation and see clearly the setup God was orchestrating? When we first attended the church that I do not like, the church where he met her, (May God bless her ratchet soul), well let’s just say I was never a fan. It was a step up from where we were. But I was still searching for something in church that I just was not getting. A miserable place to be, let me tell you. Anyway, had I stayed in that miserable mindset I would have missed a very special blessing. Let me explain:
My parents separated when I was young. I never witnessed a good, healthy marriage. I never witnessed the love a husband and wife should share. I witnessed the exact opposite, which warped my view on marriage. My husband’s parents are still married. However, listening to him recount some stories, he didn’t witness the goodness of I DO either. So here we are, two married folk, with a bad taste for marriage in our mouths, no real examples of what God intended for marriage, and no one to get advice from. Enter the Deacon and his wife. I can’t even pinpoint when we began to get to know them. I am just so thankful that we did. This man, Deac, LOVED his wife, you hear me? More than the way I love my thanksgiving dinner, more than most women love their shoes. I’m talking, Godly love, friendship love, adoration/respect love. And if you could hear all the stories of their daughter, Friend Sarcastic, walking in on them when love became an action word you would know, sexual love as well. Their friendship was real. They always had great energy, they laughed, they readily changed for each other, accommodated each other. Did they argue? Sure! They faced real issues, real arguments, real adversities, but when it was all said and done, he was down for her and she was down for him. A real life example of a good, Godly marriage. Hubby and I often talk about how thankful we are that we had a chance to know them, to call them family, to witness them. They taught us so much, probably without ever knowing.
But God did not just stop at one example. He also gave us instructors in our marriage class. These two were so joined at the hip!! You never saw one without the other. He was the head, she was the rib, and they worked so well together as one. They were sointoeach other, so in tuned with each other, it was at times, uncanny to watch. They were friends, partners, and lovers. A couple of times in class I think theyalmostforgot we were there and almost made out! They showed us that marriage is truly teamwork. And their team cared about our team. They knew the struggles we were facing before the class even started. They knew that while other couples were fighting over failed birthday party attempts, dating issues, mama’s boys and controlling women, we were simply fighting to keep our heads above water. Their prayer for us were real, their words were always gentle and encouraging. Their love, their ways, was a true reflection of Jesus. Did they argue? Sure! They shared many stories of the way they used to argue. They also shared stories of how they learned to effectively settle disagreements. They taught us how to communicate. They showed us where our priorities should be, as it pertains to our marriage, arguments, and our family. And they showed us how to focus on the bigger picture, rather than stay stuck on angry (which we were a lot).
Mrs. Deac taught me the importance of not losing myself, and the greater importance of blending with my husband. She showed me that I should use my strengths but always show love. She showed me the importance of being his cheerleader, and him being mine. They out loved each other (if that makes sense). And she showed me that sarcasm was cool!! Mrs. Teach taught me that it’s ok to be soft and gentle with my husband (I can be a hard one, in case you haven’t noticed). She showed me the importance of trusting him enough to give him the most vulnerable pieces of me. She showed me that my husband was not my enemy (two hard lessons to learn when his affair sat between the two of us like a big fat disgusting rhinoceros). She showed me the importance of letting him lead and to always show love. They both taught me that a diligent, deliberate heart for God and prayer changes things. They taught me about faith.
Both of these women went home to be with the Lord recently. My heart aches at the loss of both of them. But I can rejoice in knowing I will see them again. If it’s two people that I know made it through those pearly gates, it’s these two! Because of these two, I am determined to be a better woman, a better wife, a better lover, a better friend.
God placed both of these marriages in our marriage at just the right time, when we were ready to learn and willing to do what it took. Both of these marriages have blessed us beyond mere words in a blog could relay. My prayer is that our marriage will speak volumes to the hurting marriages that need encouragement. My prayer is that our marriage will give God glory, the way theirs did.
RIP Pretty Girl & Gentle Spirit
Write ya later! :-)
Let me tell you about my holiday! Girl!!
Ok so anybody who ever had a grandma, big mama, granny, knows you start cooking Thanksgiving dinner early! So that’s what I did. I started my pot of greens Tuesday night. I was feeling a little sick, ears a little achy, pressure in my head. I ignored it because I could still smell the ham hocks boiling (Yes I use pork!). Wednesday, I cooked a little more. Friend Sarcastic came over. By this time, the husband was looking at me cross eyed as he blew his nose. Yes, sadly, I had given him my cold. My eyes were watery, my nose was running, I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. But I kept pressing. I declared, in the middle of my kitchen, with my grey leggings and t-shirt on, my red hair standing on my head looking like a blaze of fire, stirring spoon in one hand and bag of cheese in the other, “Lord Jesus of Nazareth! If you would just let me taste my Thanksgiving dinner, I would serve you for the rest of my days!”. Friend sarcastic, hubby and I sat around the kitchen table and ate and cooked and talked and laughed. She sprayed her invisible Lysol while hubby and I hacked. It was a great time. Thursday morning at 4:30 I woke up, couldn’t breathe. I drug myself down to the kitchen, praying the whole while I was slapping this turkey into shape, just like the ole mothers of your. I then laid on the couch. I woke up to a stuffy hubby, looking at me cross eyed while he blew his nose. I tried to say I’m sorry but it got lost in translation with my cough. He goes “Man! This house smells good!”. I wept. WEPT chile! I COULD NOT SMELL! And if you can’t smell what else can’t you do?! TASTE! I wept for every taste bud that was handicapped! I wept for the greens that I would not be able to enjoy. I wept for the gooey cheese that laid all cozy against the macaroni. I wept for the yams that had candied with pineapples. I wept for the cranberry sauce that would lay a top my dressing which I had FINALLY perfected. I wept for my dinner!! Lawd Jesus did I weep. Head back, on the couch, tissues all around me, kicking and flailing my arms. A Mess!
I slept most of the Thanksgiving. Hubby woke me up every four hours for meds. My mother called me to see what time we would be at her house. When she heard my voice she said “Well….maybe you should stay home. We can get together another time. You stay on that couch and get completely restored to good health”. Restored to good health? Who talks like that? Hubby took the kids to his mother’s house and came right back home. We were two miserable folk. I was fighting depression, people! And then it was time for dinner. (SIDE NOTE: it is bad enough to be sicker than sick. But when you are so sick, with no taste buds BUT you have an appetite?! WHO DOES THAT? I was starving!) Hubby made my plate. He made his plate. He fixed our drinks. He set it all on the coffee table in front of the couch, with napkins and lit candles. And then he prayed. Melt my heart, why don’t ya? He not only prayed for dinner, but he also prayed for us. He THANKED GOD for putting us in a situation that forced us to spend time alone, he thanked God for me, he thanked God for restoration.
We ate our dinner and watched football. He claimed, proclaimed and praised my feast. (I silently wept). The rest of the evening was spent on the couch. Together. Dozing in and out of congested conscientiousness. During one of the awake moments, he suggested going to see a movie. I said ok. That’s as far as we got. At one point I tried to get off the couch, simply because I heard the faint whisper of Black Friday shopping calling my name. He told me to lay back down. I had no energy to plead my case, so I did what I was told.
It was days like Thanksgiving that made realize not only why I fell in love with him, but also why I fell back in love with him. Why I was willing to fight instead of flee for us. It made me thankful that I trusted God more than I acted on my own instinct and feelings. Thanksgiving day was the best of times and the worst of circumstances. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Well…..maybe I would’ve had working taste buds.
Write ya later! :-)
November is the month everyone gets into the spirit of thankfulness. Add to that the devastation on the East Coast that we see on our televisions and thankfulness runs a muck on social sites. Admittedly these things did jump start my thankfulness. I have been encouraging everyone to state one thing that they are thankful for. Everyone’s go to is “He woke me up this morning” which is important. But I would like for us to go past the cliche. I made a board to put in my kitchen, which is my home’s hub. On it I pasted the words GOD WE ARE THANKFUL. Each day, usually after dinner, we each write on a post it, something we are thankful for, and stick it on the board. We started it this summer, and picked it back up recently. My intent was to remind my children that we have many reasons to be thankful. It ended up being a reminder for all of us!
Today I expressed thankfulness for my marriage. I don’t think I have ever been thankful for my marriage. I have been thankful that my marriage has made it this far, for the reconciliation of my marriage. But in the moment I was composing my email to IRON I realized I am thankful for every nook and cranny of my marriage.It’s molding into a Godly woman, and him a Godly man.
Marriage is not easy. In fact it is hard plus some! It is not for the weary, for the puny, for the punks, the weaklings, the spineless. It takes lots of guts with very little glory! But the more that hubster and I learn, and apply, the more I realize the greatness that can come from it! I am sure that openly saying I am thankful for my marriage the good the bad and the ugly, buts a bullseye on my weakest parts for the enemy to come in. After almost every post that I make that even remotely makes my marriage look a little good, the enemy does rear his ugly head with the intent of havoc. He can have it. I don’t want it. I want my marriage. And wherever God has us is where I am content to be. My marriage is covered under His blood and no weapon, big or small, whether shiny, enticing, old traps, new temptations, formed against my marriage shall prosper.
This growing, maturation season is for a reason. It has often hurt, it rarely looked good, it hasn’t felt good. However, in this season, and in every season to come for my marriage, this girl is thankful!
There are aches and pains in every marriage. And I am willing to bet everyone has at one point thought “This crap right here? Is not for me! I’m out!”. Please push past those moments. That is not God’s intent, for you to give up so easily! Choose today to be thankful.
Psalms 100:4-5 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations
Write ya later! :-)
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With hundreds of thousands still without power, water, and other…
If you can, please help! God bless America!
Get your own house in order before trying to work on someone else’s.
1Peter 5:10 says “In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
Some friends and I are reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers (please go read it!) and were discussing it. A sis mentioned that the enemy studies us. Think about that for a moment. I am back in school where I am re-acquainting myself with this term. To say that the enemy studies us means that he watches and makes notes, learns and memorizes us. That is precisely how he knows how to hit us. He couldn’t tempt me with drugs. I am simply not interested. That is not a weakness for me and God bless you if it is yours. He can hit me with insecurities in my marriage, because I have those. I suffer with those insecurities. And when those old feeling surface I struggle with what to do. Thank you Jesus that what the enemy has to study, God has known since the beginning of time. He knows the hairs on my head, He knows the feelings in my heart and He knows the areas I suffer in. He has also given me armor to use, verses to read, and faith to lean on!
Verses 8 & 9 talk about how the enemy seeks whom he may devour. And it commands us to resist him. If I resist those attacks that he has for me, I can attain the promises HE has for me! He will restore me. Support me. Strengthen me. And place me on a firm foundation! To me that say that going through suffering is worth it. That’s good news!
I’m taking a theology class. Last weeks discussion was about the ‘why’s’ of suffering. It was interesting to hear others opinions. Some blamed God, some didn’t believe God existed because what kind of God would allow suffering. I took the Biblical route as much as possible, stating that God’s original intent for man was not to suffer. He created pefect beings for a perfect world. But with satan the snake, Eve the gullible and Adam the man with no spine (JOKE!), the fall of man happened, thereby introducing sin and suffering.
*SIDENOTE* I have often said that Eve should have to stand outside the pearly gates until the last female soul has given her a piece of her mind. We should be allowed to throw fruit at her head. Menstrual cramps, menstrual cycles, contractions, birth pains, itchy c-section scars, epidural pain ten years later, yeast infections! I would have to handle her, repent one last time, then skip on in to eternity and have myself counted in the number! Suffering! Like when one contraction flows into the next and the pimply anesthesiologist tells you to be still. “Scuse me you prepubescent boy, but there is a wave of pain coursing through my entire body right now. A corner of it would kill you! So maybe you just need to GIVE ME A MINUTE! You can get back to your chicken salad sandwich when I’m done being superwoman!” It’s a good thing that hospital didn’t sue me when I grabbed that guy. :-)
We will all suffer with something. No one is exempt. Questioning why, in my humble opinion, is pointless and will cause your ultimate insanity. His thoughts are not our thoughts. The better question is what are we going to do with our suffering. Part of the reason for this blog is the hope that I will help others get through the difficulty of adultery. It’s not fun writing these (most of the time). But it will always be worth it when I constantly have others inboxing me their gratitude, sharing their similar stories, declaring that they are encourage. Before it’s all said and done, 1 Peter 5:10 will be my testimony. Hang in there sister. It will be your’s as well.
Write ya later! :-)
This is your #bedcheck. Make sure your butt is in the bed you’re supposed to be in. Don’t start surfing the web for things that do not glorify God. Refuse to text that random person or old “boyfriend/girlfriend.” Consider eternity. Tomorrow is not promised to you. Don’t gamble your eternity with a moment of sinful pleasure. It is not worth it.